I'm losing focus.
I can't have a single day without having a negative feeling or thought creep up and put me somewhere else. I'm not happy. And the past few days I've gotten worse. I want to get mental help. I'm planning to turn myself into a hospital soon. I keep battling back and forth to just be strong and that I can handle it, but there are just too many voices going back in forth in my mind and each one of them doesn't sound like something I can stick to. These thoughts just contradict each other back and forth and take personas of me but with someone elses impressions, telling me which and what way to go. This is hard for me to even write. I have so much going on that it's so jumbled and unorganized. I lose my train of thought within a minute and I have to think hard to get me focused again. It's getting worse.
I know what I want to do, and where I want to go.
And I've given up where I am and who's around me.
I keep having bad dreams. And I wake up feeling even worse.
But.. I feel so detached when I'm awake. I really have given up and I don't care how I feel and my responsibilities. Everyone just keeps telling me what to do. I know they care for me, but the best way I can describe it is by quoting Catcher in the Rye:

"...I'm a very rapid packer./One thing about packing depressed me a little. I had to pack these brand-new ice skates my mother had practically just sent me a couple of days before. That depressed me. I could see my mother going in Spaulding's and asking the salesman a million dopy questions--and here I was getting the ax again. It made me feel pretty sad. She bought me the wrong kind of skates--I wanted racing skates and she bought hockey--but it made me sad anyway. Almost every time somebody gives me a present, it ends up making me sad."



My birthday is this Wednesday.
I expect little to happen. But I want to be happy.

Maybe I should just leave and have the day on my own and not be with anyone.
Too many thoughts are building up again...

I want to go home.
But home's not home.

I have a place that's not real, but it's a goal. I just picture this cute sunny upstairs 1x1 in San Diego, that's all mine. I'll paint it marigold, give it an Indonesian or Mexican feel to it. Paint drawings or bring a photo to a wallpaper shop and blow it up... Make my own home. Make myself happy. Learn different foods to cook. Go work out. Go learn again. Go to a movie. Go for a drive. Fall in love with myself...

People don't listen and people don't care. People just tell me what to do.
People don't make me happy, and I'm not happy. But I've said it before, people don't listen and people don't believe me.

I downloaded the .pdf of catcher in the rye. Started last night, brought it on the usb too, and so far I'm on chapter 8. it brings me comfort.

I was at to go find him. I asked my parents wat this dream means and they said its just a warning, don't think too much on it.

own. I had the same dream before a few weeks back, but I had dreamed my dad passed away too, but when he died I didn't believe it and stopped the party

d she was just gone. I couldn't stop crying and it the sadness of her gone and not being around to give me knowledge and just be there for me broke me d

I dreamed my mom passed away last night. One minute she was there, the next it was known that she was sick and had died. I never got to see her body an

I keep crying. I keep coming back. I cry some more. I need to leave, this isn't healthy being here.

Character to add to fairytale - 4 year old boy. Epitome of a toddler growing to be a big boy, but who knows a lot about survival. Has the skills of a mother

Effing people on the bus w the staring problems -why must indian just stare into your damn soul? You just want me to look @ u like ur stupid?

Didn't offer me anything when I stepped into the door. Got in, gave $, changed out the cat food, that was all.

There's no growth in depression and negativity. Times are shit, its a test. I have my goals set tho: Visualize it, work towards it, then It WILL HAPPEN

So hungry that I'm drawing food.

? ally want.. But I don't think I have the means to do so with the first either... I'm broke as it is, wat makes myself think I can do anything now?

? o watever I want? Or could I have already done so @ home? ...I don't think so w the latter.. Parents won't let me drive off anywhere to pursue wat I re

? on't hear my own. I really don't want to be in my situation. I want a new life. Should I move out and take this opportunity to really live my life n d

? rom my problems. All this time I keep hearing other peoples advice, and I keep imagining everyone elses voice in my head on wat my next move is, but I d

? not happy there too. I don't want to talk to my family, I don't want to talk to gabe, I don't want to be around anyone. But I don't want to run away f

? I want to go home, but I don't feel its my home, and I'm not happy there. I don't want to move out officially either bc I don't feel its my home and I'm

I can't last an hour without having these negative thoughts. I want to go to sleep. But I can't stop crying. I need help.

It was harder to be positive today than usual.

? sh I was better. I'd just Live. But then again I am impatient. So ill wait. ..or is this me being lazy? I'm too indecisive. ..or am I too negative?

? Debating whether or not if I should look into therapy institutions. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just being lazy or if I'm finally way in over my head. I wi

? else is gonna care for me, why can't I @ least stand by me?

? I hear bad news I'm optimistic that its gonna be ok and that I'm strong and that I can handle it. But I keep saying 'ok' to situations that aren't. Break

? Sitting here in this doctors office.. Hearing good news and bad news. I've messed my body up so much. My medical history shows how much I value it. When

? . When I'm asked questions or conversations come my way I feel its better to say "I don't know." its because when i speak or have something to say, its w

? and stammer and then get on autopilot. My mouth keeps going while my mind is left behind. I'm not sharp as I once was. I feel smaller and smaller inside

? I'm too afraid to voice myself, and its evident. My thinking too much is breaking my points. I struggle to get something across and while I do I stumble