I'm losing focus.
I can't have a single day without having a negative feeling or thought creep up and put me somewhere else. I'm not happy. And the past few days I've gotten worse. I want to get mental help. I'm planning to turn myself into a hospital soon. I keep battling back and forth to just be strong and that I can handle it, but there are just too many voices going back in forth in my mind and each one of them doesn't sound like something I can stick to. These thoughts just contradict each other back and forth and take personas of me but with someone elses impressions, telling me which and what way to go. This is hard for me to even write. I have so much going on that it's so jumbled and unorganized. I lose my train of thought within a minute and I have to think hard to get me focused again. It's getting worse.
I know what I want to do, and where I want to go.
And I've given up where I am and who's around me.
I keep having bad dreams. And I wake up feeling even worse.
But.. I feel so detached when I'm awake. I really have given up and I don't care how I feel and my responsibilities. Everyone just keeps telling me what to do. I know they care for me, but the best way I can describe it is by quoting Catcher in the Rye:

"...I'm a very rapid packer./One thing about packing depressed me a little. I had to pack these brand-new ice skates my mother had practically just sent me a couple of days before. That depressed me. I could see my mother going in Spaulding's and asking the salesman a million dopy questions--and here I was getting the ax again. It made me feel pretty sad. She bought me the wrong kind of skates--I wanted racing skates and she bought hockey--but it made me sad anyway. Almost every time somebody gives me a present, it ends up making me sad."



My birthday is this Wednesday.
I expect little to happen. But I want to be happy.

Maybe I should just leave and have the day on my own and not be with anyone.
Too many thoughts are building up again...

I want to go home.
But home's not home.

I have a place that's not real, but it's a goal. I just picture this cute sunny upstairs 1x1 in San Diego, that's all mine. I'll paint it marigold, give it an Indonesian or Mexican feel to it. Paint drawings or bring a photo to a wallpaper shop and blow it up... Make my own home. Make myself happy. Learn different foods to cook. Go work out. Go learn again. Go to a movie. Go for a drive. Fall in love with myself...

People don't listen and people don't care. People just tell me what to do.
People don't make me happy, and I'm not happy. But I've said it before, people don't listen and people don't believe me.